1. A man goes into the doctor's office and he says to the doctor, "Doctor, I'm having this terrible problem. You see, I keep farting all the time. Day and night, I can't stop! It's awful! Luckily, they're the silent kind and don't smell so no one knows it's me. Anyway, you gotta help me doc!" "Alright," Says the doctor, "I'll tell you what we're gonna do... first we are going to get your hearing checked. Then we'll fix your nose."

2. A duck walks into the pharmacy and says, "gimme some chapstick and put it on my bill".

3. Dog limps into the bar with one foot all bandaged up and says, "I wanna see the man who shot my paw!"

4. A man from the city, moves to the country. His farmer neighbor visits one day and invites him to a party that night. The farmer says "I gotta warn you there is going to be a lot of drinking there." The man replies, " That's O.K. I used to go out and drink a lot with my friends after work." The farmer then says, I gotta warn you, there may be fighting too.  The man replies, "That's O.K., I generally get along with people pretty well." The farmer then says, "I also must warn you that sometimes there is a lot of sex." The man says enthusiastically, "That's O.K." The farmer then gives the man directions to his cabin. As the man is almost out the door, he asks, "What should I wear?" The farmer answers,"It doesn't matter! It's just going to be the two of us."

5. In Arkansas, if you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?

6. A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the farmer says: "What's that noise?"

7. Two men were driving down a country road when suddenly a rabbit came bounding through the fields and ran right in front of their car. The driver slammed on his brakes, but not in time. The passenger jumped out of the car and screamed, "Well, do something. I can't believe you hit him." The driver said, "Don't worry. I can help him." He goes to the trunk of the car and takes a bottle out. He then walks over to the rabbit and pours a little over his head. The rabbit instantly raises its head. He pours a little more and then the rabbit hops a little down the road, turns around and waves at them. The rabbit then hops a little further, turns around and waves at them again. The rabbit then hops a little further down the road, turns around and waves again. He did this until he was out of sight. The passenger turns to the driver, and says, "What was that stuff?" The driver looks at the bottle and says, "Permanent Wave for Damaged Hair."

8. A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

9. This guy is going to be in a play. He practices his line over and over again. They only gave him one line because he tends to be very nervous onstage. He gets so say, "Hark, I hear a cannon roar". The night of the play, he is pacing behind stage, working up a sweat, he comes onstage at the right time and waits to say his line. His turn is getting closer, a loud BOOM echoes and he says, "What the hell was that?"

10. A woman is laying naked on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there,a man dressed in white comes by, lifts up the sheet, takes a look and leaves. This happens a second time. the third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" the man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just the painter! "

11. Three idiots walk into a bar and appear to be very happy about something. I can't believe we did it in only 120 days!  The first one says. The drinks are on me!  I cant believe we did it in only 120 days!  The second one says. The drinks are on me!  I cant believe we did it in only 120 days!  The third one says. The drinks are on me!  The bartender is curious and asks What are you celebrating?  One of the idiots replies, We put this here jigsaw puzzle together in only a 120 days and on the side of the box it says from 3 to 5 years!"

12. Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Gestapo.
Gestapo Who?
(Interrupting) I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!

13. Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Pavlov... just testing.

14. Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Eager Cow.
Eager Cow who....
(interrupt) MOOO!!!

15. Did you hear about the two peanuts who were walking down the road?
One of them was A-Salted (assaulted)!

16. I was fired from the Orange Juice Plant last week.
I just couldn't concentrate.

17. A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her husband

18. A man walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the bar wiping a glass. Thinking he's seeing things, he rubs his eyes and looks again. It's still a horse. "Excuse me" he says to the horse, "Am I going crazy or are you a horse?"
"Yep, I'm a horse all right." The bartender replied.
"THANK GOD! I thought I was going crazy!!! The man says,"When did the Cow sell the place?"

19. A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ONSTAGE! You been making smart ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little prick sitting on your knee!"

20. A man jumps from an airplane and when he pulls his parachute cord it breaks. As he's plunging to his death, he sees a man rising rapidly into the air. As they cross paths, one falling towards the earth and the other rising away from it, the skydiver yells, "Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to know anything about parachutes would you?"
"Sorry, I don't." The other man yells back. "Would you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"

21. A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a
crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome!

So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late!

So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced!

So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were o overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?"

22. A farmer sitting on his porch noticed a highway department truck pull over on the road's shoulder. A man got out, dug a sizable hole in the ditch, and got back in the vehicle. A few minutes later, the other occupant of the truck got out, filled up the hole, tamped the dirt, and got back in the truck. Then they drove forward on the shoulder about 50 yards and repeated the process--digging, waiting, refilling. After a half- dozen repetitions, the farmer sauntered over to them. "What are you doin'?" he asked. "We're on a highway beautification project," the driver said. "And the guy who puts the tree in the hole is home sick today."

23. A cowboy rides into town on a paper horse, is wearing a paper hat, he has paper guns, paper chaps, and he has paper boots on. The sheriff sees him and immediately picks him up for rustling.

24. Q: What has four legs and says "Booo!"?
A: A cow with a cold.

25. Q: How do you make a Kentucky woman feel good about herself?
A: Compliment her tooth.

26. After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

27. A little boy asks his father what the difference between theory and reality. "Well, his father replies, go upstairs and ask your mother and your sister whether or not they would sleep with old man Wilson, who lives next-door, for a million dollars."

When he returns from asking he says, "Yes, they both said they would."

"Well son, that's the difference between theory and reality. In theory we are Millionaires! In reality we are living with two whores."

28. A skeleton goes into a bar and orders a beer, and a mop...

29. Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"
Later that same day
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 3: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 3: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 3: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 3: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Faggot!!"

30. Three Alzheimer's patients walk in to a doctor's office. The doctor calls in the first one, and asked a bunch of info about himself. Then he asked him, "OK, what's 5 plus 5?"

He answers, "That's easy...37." The doctor says ok and tells him to send in the next patient. He comes in a minute later. The doctor asks him all of his info. Then he asks him, "What's 5 plus 5?"

He answers, "Simple...Thursday." The doctor nods and tells him to send in the final patient. He comes in and sits down. The doctor asks him all of his personal info. Then he also asks him, "What's 5 plus 5?"

He answer, " Man, that's easy...it's 10." The doctor says, "That's good, now how did you get that?"

The patient said, " Well, I just subtracted 37 from Thursday."

31. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Baby, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!" She replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

32. An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car Pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy? The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the Saab, Dad. YOU have to live with it!"

33. A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman."Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

34. It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says."That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

35. A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left. He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied.Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly."It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

36. An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" They're for the funeral."

37. A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it... I'm outta here... I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with agorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.

38. One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Good-bye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

39. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Good-bye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

40. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

41. A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"The woman replies, "He's a midget."

42. The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

43. A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

44. One day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asks. Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your cat!"

45. A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

46. A diver's twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy, with no equipment, at the same depth. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later the guy with no equipment is right next to him. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later, there's the guy again.He takes out his waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell are you ableto stay down this deep without equipment?"The other guy takes the chalkboard and chalk and writes, "I'm drowning, you idiot!"

47. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I lost an electron."
The second one says "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

48. Billy Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation,
only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years,
I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii,
I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

49. An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most" The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?" "I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount." "OK, I wish for a billion dollars""Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion" "I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything""Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish" The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."